You know that moment mid-fight when you feel the smoke coming out of your ears and you are ready to just throw down? You love your partner, but at this particular moment – anything goes. Then… they beat you to it. They verbally gut-punch you where it hurts with the one thing that makes you curl your fists and push your nails into your hands. Time Out. Yeah, we’ve all been there. How you fight with your partner can define your relationship and while arguments are inevitable from time to time, honor and respect shouldn’t fly out the window. My advice would be to avoid these words for a healthy relationship, even in the heat of the moment.
Avoid These Words For a Healthy Relationship
On any given day, an average human experiences over 21 different emotions. You can be energized, distraught, panicked, or defensive. The likelihood that your partner encounters you in only the best of moods is pretty much zero to none. When we are upset, we naturally use phrases that are engrained in our vocabulary, but some of these can be detrimental. A conversation is designed to bring you closer together and you may be using words that will tear you apart. Here are some of the worst offenders:
YOU’RE CRAZY
In a solid relationship, it’s less about feeling the same things as your partner and more about empathy. Most of the time your partner just wants to be heard and have their feelings validated. Telling a woman that she is being “unreasonable” or worse, “crazy” are fighting words. Whether or not you agree with them, feelings are valid if the person is impacted. We have the tendency to reach for extreme terms and invalidate the feelings of their partners when they don’t see eye to eye, so be careful.
TELL ME WHAT TO DO THEN
I feel like nothing drives us crazier than when your partner says “just tell me what you want me to do”. We’ve all heard the phrase, “I shouldn’t have to tell you, you-should-know!” Maybe you truly don’t know, but chances are that you probably do. Even if you aren’t certain what the offending action was, you should take an educated guess. Before the argument came to fruition, chances are that your partner has already completed a mental list of what you should have said, done, and what shirt you should have been wearing when you did it all.
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YOU’RE PATHETIC
First of all, that’s mean. Second of all, I shouldn’t have to explain this one. Dream with your partner, explore their hopes and goals for themselves and your future together. Have a different vision? Explain that one and have a dignified conversation. If you find yourself feeling like you need to tell your partner they are pathetic or someone is saying that to you, it’s probably a red flag.
SHUT UP
This is one that often gets tossed around during a fight and can possibly be worse than a curse word. Silencing your partner in a terse way can detrimental and one-sided. Can’t take the heat anymore? Walk away and say “let’s take a breather” or HIMYM it with a “pause”. Respecting your partner even in times of conflict can define who you are in a relationship and as a person. Things may not always be going well, but respect is always on the table.
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I DON’T CARE
Well, you should. Being in a partnership means that you care about things that don’t affect you. Do you know how many times I cared about the fourth-quarter holding penalty during a game of two teams that I can barely point out on a US map just because you have a fantasy player on your roster? Care. It makes you empathetic and people with empathy are better people. Think of it as eating more broccoli, it’s good for you.
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YOU’RE NOT MY MOM
Fighting words. No one wants to be a nag. If you’re slacking when it comes to your responsibility and your partner chimes in with reminders it’s not cool to silence them. Some people’s worst fear is to be like their parents, I, on the other hand, have learned -as an adult- that my parents were freaking awesome and that is now a compliment. Ha! I’ve also heard friends say things like pick up after yourself or I’ll call your mom and tell her. While it may not be fun being a 30-year-old explaining to your mom why you haven’t done laundry in 3 weeks – these are also things that you should probably deal with in the confines of your home.
“#*&@ YOU”
Insert *any* expletive here, or better yet- don’t. There are so many words in the English language, cursing is for those with the word poverty. You can eloquently explain your position in a multitude of ways and I guarantee they will be better received. Cursing is a sign of disrespect and while you may not agree with your partner at the time, you should always respect them. If you wouldn’t say it to grandma, don’t say it to your man.
CALM DOWN
Let’s take a general poll of life experience, in your 18-34 years of age- when have you ever said “calm down!” to someone and it worked! Magic! They immediately calmed down and said “Wow, you were right! I’m so calm now!” That’s right- never. It’s not going to start now, quit saying it.
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DIVORCE
Or if you are dating “let’s break up.” Don’t throw around ultimatums unless you mean it. When you reduce the longevity of your relationship to the outcome of a single fight then you are slowly tearing down the wall of security around your relationship. If you keep punching holes in the wall, eventually it will tumble. Breaking up should never be an option (unless you are dating a loser, then by all means- get out!) but don’t throw around the “D” word unless you mean it.
Final Thoughts On Avoid These Words for a Healthy Relationship
How many boxes did you check? What about your partner? It’s totally okay to be guilty, but no one likes a repeat offender. Send this post to your partner and solemnly swear to do better and treat each other with respect.
Take steps to better your communication like learning each other’s Love Languages. Ultimately, it’s all about having an understanding with each other- but don’t be fooled. It’s not always natural or easy, but you have to get through the rocky conversations early on so that you have a foundation of communication when real problems hit. If you can’t manage a discussion about laundry what will happen in the future (god forbid) if you have a sick child or a sick parent? Deal now and set the habit of positive communication skills.
